Easy Money…

Holidailies 2012So, late this afternoon I went by the pottery studio to pick up the money I made in our holiday sale a couple of weeks ago.  I had my last class for the year tonight, but hadn’t intended to stay, because I wasn’t feeling great.  However, Kate, who runs the program, had asked me to bring some of my earrings and ornaments, because she still had a few more gifts to get, so I brought them along.

She gave me the cash from the sale (about what I expected  to make) and then she bought a couple more pieces from me.  More cash (yay!)  Then I was sitting and chatting with a couple other people in the studio, and they wanted to take a look at my earrings too, so before I knew it, all of my earrings were spread across the table, and they had each bought a pair.  Two more sales, thank you!

I figured that I’d at least stick around until Matt (my teacher) arrived, so I could wish him a happy holiday, and then before I knew it, the rest of my class was there and there was food and there was dessert and there was more looking at my jewelry and more sales were made.  Somewhere in there, I started to feel better — not sure if it was the food or the company (or the cash), but I rallied.  I ended the evening feeling pretty good.  Belly full, mood lightened, and $100 more in my pocket than I’d even expected.  Not a bad haul and not a bad way to spend a Friday evening.

Now, if I could just figure out how to make every day like this, I wouldn’t even have to look for a job.  A girl can dream, can’t she?

Ups and Downs…

Holidailies 2012Inevitably, after there are ups and ups, come the downs.  Today, after a weekend filled with activity and all kinds of good things, I woke up pretty down.  And then I found out I didn’t get the job that I had the interview for last Thursday.  Frankly, I wasn’t holding out a great deal of hope for that job, but it still hurt to know for certain, because the job itself would have been really great.

Unsurprisingly, I dealt with it in my usual way.  I napped.  And I woke up and felt a little better, and then my mood crashed again, and I started to feel hopeless.  I’ve been applying for jobs, I’ve been interviewing for jobs, I’ve been practically promised  jobs and nothing has panned out.  It beats you down each time it happens.  I’ve widened my search, I’ve lowered my expectations, and still, nothing doing.

I wallowed a little bit more and then I decided to go back to someplace familiar.  I had that interview in April in California, for that really promising job at a company that I really, really like.  It didn’t work out because they went with an internal candidate who they promoted.  I then interviewed for yet another job with them in August and that one didn’t pan out because hiring me would have frankly been a leap of faith, since there was some supervisory experience I was missing and they then found a candidate who had it.  But the VP told the recruiter that he didn’t want to let me go.  My response was, “If you don’t want to let me go, then find a job for me.”

So, tonight I went back to their website and saw another job for which I’m qualified.  I know it’s at a little bit of a lower level (and hence a lower salary) than the last one for which I interviewed, but I was really excited that there was a position available again and as I said, I’ve lowered my expectations.  I need to be working.  I would like to be working for a company that I like and I know that I really like the culture of this one.

So, I sent an email and I said as much.  And I asked them to consider me.  I put it out in the universe.  I’ll continue to apply for jobs and I’ll continue to hope that the perfect job, with the right salary, and the right people, comes along, but I’m trying very hard to keep myself open to possibilities that will at least get me back in the world of work.  This could be a good place to end up.  Since they knew where my salary was before, I’m hoping they’ll still consider me.  A good job, in a place with people I like, with a salary that isn’t what I wanted, but far more than my unemployment, would be a good place to start.  I’d just like to get in the door.  And then I’ll figure out the rest.

So that’s where I stand now.  I hope that it pans out.  I hope that I can keep my head up and keep fighting.  Otherwise, I’m just not sure where I go from here…

Shaken and Stirred…

Holidailies 2012“When people show you who they are, believe them.”  I think I need that tattooed on my brain.

I’d say that in general I have pretty good instincts about people, but I have also been known to give some of them the benefit of the doubt far longer than I should and far longer than they deserve.

So, today, when someone who I spent several years making excuses for did something that I knew long ago he was capable of, it shouldn’t have come as a surprise.  But, even though as soon as he spoke to me, my gut knew what was coming next, I was still surprised when it happened.  Even after I called him on it and he completely and transparently lied to my face, I was surprised.  I was hurt.  I was angry. And I let it happen.  I didn’t do anything to protect myself.  And that made me even angrier and I turned it in on myself.  This person is no longer a significant presence in my life, he’s barely a blip on the radar anymore and yet I let him shake me up and upset the calm I’ve been cultivating.

In the aftermath, I shared the details with several people who it affected directly (actually, more directly than it affects me in the long run).  They too were outraged and not a bit surprised.   They reaffirmed my feelings and helped me diffuse them, but the episode left me shaking with rage and it took a good couple of hours to calm down and stop reeling from what had happened.  I think the lesson is finally learned.  I only hope I don’t ever have to face it in this particular way again.

Please excuse the vagaries of detail in this post.  It’s done to protect the innocent (as well as the guilty). I’ll just leave the guilty party with some advice:  When your job requires you to be Ethical, you sometimes have to act above simple self-preservation and do the right thing, even if it’s hard to do.  Maybe start with a dictionary and look up the definition of the word ethical, and then read a book or two about how to practice being ethical.  There are hundreds of them in the library down the hall from your office.





So, I had my meeting with HR today.  And although I’m still not sure where it’s all going to lead, I feel it was the right thing to do.  I was able to talk about all the stuff that’s been going on over the last year and now it’s on the record.  I know that what it might lead to is me leaving, but I couldn’t let it go on anymore.  I’ve been gas-lighted and made to feel like crap for far too long and I know I’m not the first one to feel this way.  So, whether or not it gets resolved while I’m still there, it will hopefully be harder for her to get away with it anymore, with me or anyone else.  My colleague who convinced me to make an official complaint called me courageous today.  I’m not sure if that’s really how I’m feeling.  I’m just sick of feeling powerless and scared and it’s unacceptable for anyone to be treated like this and I’m not going to let it happen anymore without notice that it’s NOT okay.

In other news, I’m so happy it’s Friday.  I’m up way too late, my plan to get in early in the morning is shot to hell, but only one more day in the work week before I can relax. YAY!  Gen is coming up by Acela in the evening and Saturday morning we are off to New Haven by Zipcar!  We’re seeing Richard II at Yale Rep, then driving back to the city in time to go to City Opera in the evening for Margaret Garner.  Quite a busy, culture-filled day.  And I’m so glad I have a friend who has the same theater-geeky excitement I do about the prospect of a two-show day!  And just another example of why I live here.  There’s so much to see that I could go to see two shows every Saturday year-round and never run out of things to see.

 Okay, enough of the geek gush.  I’m overtired and I should get some sleep before my alarm wakes me for work…