Courageous?

Posted on by Girl in Gotham in Family, Friends, Theater, Work | Leave a comment

So, I had my meeting with HR today.  And although I’m still not sure where it’s all going to lead, I feel it was the right thing to do.  I was able to talk about all the stuff that’s been going on over the last year and now it’s on the record.  I know that what it might lead to is me leaving, but I couldn’t let it go on anymore.  I’ve been gas-lighted and made to feel like crap for far too long and I know I’m not the first one to feel this way.  So, whether or not it gets resolved while I’m still there, it will hopefully be harder for her to get away with it anymore, with me or anyone else.  My colleague who convinced me to make an official complaint called me courageous today.  I’m not sure if that’s really how I’m feeling.  I’m just sick of feeling powerless and scared and it’s unacceptable for anyone to be treated like this and I’m not going to let it happen anymore without notice that it’s NOT okay.

In other news, I’m so happy it’s Friday.  I’m up way too late, my plan to get in early in the morning is shot to hell, but only one more day in the work week before I can relax. YAY!  Gen is coming up by Acela in the evening and Saturday morning we are off to New Haven by Zipcar!  We’re seeing Richard II at Yale Rep, then driving back to the city in time to go to City Opera in the evening for Margaret Garner.  Quite a busy, culture-filled day.  And I’m so glad I have a friend who has the same theater-geeky excitement I do about the prospect of a two-show day!  And just another example of why I live here.  There’s so much to see that I could go to see two shows every Saturday year-round and never run out of things to see.

 Okay, enough of the geek gush.  I’m overtired and I should get some sleep before my alarm wakes me for work…

Atoning…

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Each year on Yom Kippur I basically hide out in my apartment and sleep a lot, waiting for the sun to go down.  Last night on my way home from work, I ran into friends who gave me an extra ticket to services that are being held across the street from my apartment.  Getting up and going this morning at 9am sounded like a good idea.  But then I didn’t go.  I’ve also contemplated going to the closing service this evening, but suspect I will skip that too.  By the time the last hour comes, I am suffering with a raging headache and it’s about all I can do at sundown to get to the kitchen and crack open the stash of bagels and cream cheese.  Does this make me a bad Jew?  I don’t know.  I don’t often worry about that, but it does occasionally cross my mind.  I’m not particularly observant, except that I do go to temple on Rosh Hashanah and I do fast on Yom Kippur.  I like thinking of this as a day of contemplation, of recharging, of starting over for the New Year.  And I guess that’s okay with me.  And I really do need this day. 

Yesterday was a terrible day at work.  It was the day I discovered how stupid I’ve been.  At the beginning of July I thought that my boss and I had come to an understanding and things were going to be better in the long run.  So, of course, I let my guard down.  Flash forward two months and she’s hired a replacement for our coordinator, who changed jobs within the organization.  The new hire is fantastic.  She’s really smart.  We get along great and our boss sees her as the new shining star.  Which is all fine with me.  Except, now that she’s been hired and my boss isn’t afraid of being left without any staff, she thinks she can treat me like crap again.  Which she started to do on Thursday and escalated yesterday.

 The silver lining is that I had a meeting yesterday with another member of the senior staff about an upcoming event.  I happen to have a really good relationship with her and know that she’s no fan of my boss.  I essentially broke down in her office because I was so frustrated and angry and feeling foolish for having thought everything was going to be okay.  I told her everything and she was really helpful.  She essentially told me that it’s now time to go to HR, which I think is the right move.  She also said something to me that made me feel so much better, “You are not crazy.”  It was really good to hear it from someone who I respect.  And I knew it was the truth.  I also confirmed something that I’d only guessed at before:  my boss seems to be uniformly disliked among her senior staff colleagues.  It’s disheartening on one hand to know that this is the person for whom I work.  On the other hand, it made me feel better that a lot of other people I respect also think she’s mean and crazy.  Before the day was out I had spoken to yet another member of the senior staff who made me promise I would take a couple hours out this weekend to document all of the things my boss had done.  And to make sure that I continue to document it.

And then the final thing?  My new colleague and I commuted home together yesterday and we got to talking.  Turns out, she’s as smart as she seems.  She realized the first day that our boss doesn’t know what the hell she’s doing and that soon enough the bloom will be off the rose and she will be blamed for something.  She’s not sure she’s going to stay or leave, but at least I know that I have an additional ally in my day to day.  It doesn’t solve the problem, but it definitely makes things a little easier to deal with.

So, I’ll spend this day fasting and atoning for things I’ve done wrong: hurt I may have caused, times I have not been true to myself, gossip I have enjoyed hearing or perpetrating, jealousy I have let cloud my judgement and ill will I have bore against others.  And as I start over with a clean slate, I pray to be the best person I know how, to be true to myself and to have the strength to do the things I know are right and right for me.  To offer love and forgiveness to other people and to try my best to not be afraid.  And as for my boss, I pray that she finds peace and I try to remember that she has to live with herself for the rest of her life and that she is an angry, fearful person who has to live with herself and her unhappiness for the rest of her life.

The next time you hear from me, I will not be so hungry…

Six Years Ago…

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It was also a Tuesday, but it was a sunny and beautiful fall day in New York.  Today there’s rain.  At this time of morning I was still asleep.  I woke up to the Today Show as I always do during the week and the first thing I heard was someone calling in and describing a plane hitting The World Trade Center.  Certainly it was only a mistake…a wrong turn made, a small private plane gone off track.  As the second plane hit, the truth became clear.  How could anyone have known that the world would never be the same.

In some ways it seems like a million years ago.  My life feels really different than it did then.  But in other ways, it all comes back too easily.  The sadness that I never thought would pass, the underlying fear that followed everyone.  The realization and loss of innocence that we suffered as a city and as a nation.  In a lot of ways my life is better today.  But, because of that moment and the choices that followed, I often times feel helpless as a citizen.

 I hope that the upcoming election changes things for the better, but my cynicism isn’t letting me get too hopeful.  Time will tell.  In the meantime, I try not to live in fear.  I try to enjoy the little things and I try to not let the state of things get me too down.

Fall Friday…

Posted on by Girl in Gotham in Eating, Family, Friends, Shopping, Travel, TV/Movies | Leave a comment

One of my favorite things over the summer has been Summer Fridays, where our office hours have been 9am-1pm.  I went away a lot this summer, but on weekends in town I usually went to the movies on Friday afternoons.  Something about watching Ocean’s Thirteen in the middle of the day on a weekday feels decadent.  So of course Summer Fridays only last through Labor Day weekend.  Today is the first Fall Friday.  Which means I have to be here ALL DAY LONG.  Now, frankly, I have so much work to do, that it’s not really an issue, but I don’t really WANT to be here. 

Speaking of Labor Day, it was a wonderful weekend.  Anita and I drove up to my sister’s house in New Hampshire and we brought along her dog, Rose, who got along famously with Ziggy.  It was really fun to have two hyper black labs under foot the whole weekend.  They were quite entertaining.  On Saturday we went to Portsmouth, eating and shopping and strolling.  The weather was beautiful.  At first Duncan didn’t want to go with us because he said that all we would do is walk around going into candle shops.  This made all of us crack up, because apparently candle shops are the height of nerdiness in the world of twelve year old boys.  I’ll note that we did not drag him into any candle shops, but did spend quite a lot of time in Macro Polo, which is a dream shop for any non-nerdy pre-teen boy (as well as his geeky aunt). 

On Sunday we made a pilgramage to Mecca Target, so I could get my fill of suburban shopping.  We watched Red Eye on Sunday night, which was a far better movie than I thought it would be.  And Cillian Murphy has some of the creepiest eyes I’ve ever seen in my life.  The rest of the time was spent laughing, bird watching, playing with the dogs, and eating well and a lot.  It was the perfect way to spend the last weekend of summer.  And now, back to the grind…

Narcolepsy for fun and profit…

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I’m not sure what has been going on with me lately, but I seem to be constantly exhausted.  And it doesn’t matter how much sleep I’m getting, I’m still tired.  Maybe it’s the fact that the weather keeps changing and I can’t get used to it.  Maybe it’s the fact that I really need to start exercising regularly again.  I’m not sure, but whatever it is, the falling asleep part is lovely.  However, the waking up part is a big drag.  I never feel rested and half the time I feel like I’m coming out of a coma.  Something’s gotta give and soon.  I don’t know how that’s going to work since life is only going to get busier once the summer is over.

 In other news, I’ve had a lovely weekend.  Holly was here for a wedding and so I got to spend a bunch of time with her, which I haven’t done in ages, since she now lives in Key West.  We did get to spend some time together at our high school reunion in June but that was insanely rushed and full of sensory overload, what with the hundreds of other people there who we hadn’t seen in years.

Speaking of the reunion, here’s a photo of me and Hols.  Don’t we look fetching?

hols-and-me-20th.jpg

I think I might have had a mouthful of food when this photo was taken.  Lovely!

 This afternoon I’m off to meet Kate for lunch at VYNL, one of my favorite brunch places.  I still have a bunch of stuff at home I need to take care of, but somehow I keep avoiding it.  Brunch and chatting and window shopping always seems like more fun than laundry and cleaning.  It’s no wonder I manage to keep putting it off.  The queen of procrastination, that’s me.

Finnegan Begin Again…

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So, I’ve been meaning to start writing again for ages and finally I’ve done it.  Unfortunately, in the process of upgrading to WordPress, I obliterated the archives from the last incarnation.  Ah well… good thing I didn’t say anything very interesting.  Also, keep in mind that this is a work in progress.  Some stuff is still wonkified.  Links not working, weirdness all around.  I’ll get to it.  In the meantime…

Life around these parts has been pretty uneventful of late.  Work is work.  It’s not been excruciating, nor has it been exhilarating.  Weekends this summer have either been spent away or as a hermit.  I haven’t managed a balance.  I’ve completely stopped exercising and when I’m home I feel like a narcoleptic.  There is no such thing as enough sleep.  Not sure what that’s about, but for now, I’m going with it.

Til next time…

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